letter to my brother

You hate walking behind me, you hate tracing my footsteps. You always feel like they were too huge to fill up. But I hope you do. 

Because then you'd realise, you've always been the one with the bigger footprints. 

It is I, who had to dig a bigger hole so that when the time comes, it'd fit you perfectly. 

You always were the crybaby. You cried over an injection, you cried over Brave, you cried when I was mad at you, you cried when you were mad at yourself. I liked making you cry. I like knowing that your heart is still that soft. 

Because then I know this world hasn't broken you yet. 

Because soft things can only be bent, not broken. 

I scold you a lot. You whine, you tell me you can't be me. I tell you not to. Just be yourself. You can't be me anyways. You tell me I set the bar too high. But yes, I did. On purpose. I want you to be scared. I want you to leave, take another path. 

Because I've tested these waters for you. 

I don't want your hands to reach the sky and yet your feet sunk deep in a pool of your own blood. 

You're happy when you play sports. Because then, you can beat me. You like beating me. You like to be better. I hate that. 

Because then there will be a time when you will walk in front of me. 

I don't want you to see that horrendous sight I saw on my way here. 

I force you to memorise my favourite disney songs. I give you verses to sing in the car when we duet the entire song right from the first word to the last drum beat. I make you watch disney movies with me. I made you love it. 

I hope you never grow out of it. 

So that when things get too out of hand, I hope you remember your ohana and hakuna matata. 

I tell you to work hard all the time. I'm harder on you then I am with anyone else. I always tell you what you did wrong outright, even when I actually thought you were good. I know you'd die for a compliment from me. To you, i don't hand out any. 

I wanted you to know that this is how it should be. I want you to be uncomfortable with shallow praises. 

There will be people singing you anthems and placing you on pedestals in the future. Be wary of those people.

I've always supported your dreams. Even back then when you never had any and always copied mine. I know you pray that your wishes come true. 

I tell you to be careful of what you wish for.

I hope you know that nightmares are dreams too. 

You've always been good at maps, directions, navigations. I've never bothered learning about it. I refuse to learn it. I just let you handle everything.

That way, you can get even better.

That way, I'll be convinced, no matter where you are, you'll always know the way home.